No Cigar
by Muchacho Rabbit
Summary: you were just planning on sleeping in and having a calm normal day, but the nine sentient furbys in your house have other plans. A Furby Fortress fic.


There was a reason you didn't buy alarm clocks anymore.

Yesterday's spring cleaning has left you completely exhausted and you only stumbled into bed in the early hours of the morning. However it looks like sleeping in was not an option.  
"Rise and shine, private!"

You opened your eyes to furby soldier happily jumping in your bed. There was dried honey stuck to his red and white striped coat and sparkly blue ears, probably from an early morning battle. Soldier also seemed to be the only furby with a striped racoon tale, which he blamed on a former roommate.

"Soldier. Go back to sleep." You groaned, hugging your pillow tighter.

"No cigar, private! You need to feed us! These American made furby parts need nourishment!" The cardboard box in the corner of your room nodded in agreement. You sat up in bed.

"Spy were you recording me while I slept again?" You demanded.  
"Oui oui mon ami" said the muffled voice inside the cardboard box. Furby Spy peeked out of the box and replayed the footage of you sleeping in his large furby eyes.  
"I'll find that damn camera one day" you growled, trying to snatch the spying furby. Furby Spy quickly jumped away from you, and puffed a cloud of cigarette smoke in your face before following soldier furby out the door.

" I would like some crepes, by ze way."

"Make them yourself." you said, grabbing your glasses and shutting the bedroom door behind you. "You're getting furby food."  
As you proceeded down the hallway, a familiar yellow furby with a baseball bat almost knocked you off your feet as he ran by screaming. "Oh for gods sake Scout" you picked up furby Scout, who instantly blushed.

"Oh hey. Me and pyro were just going for a run. Heh." You looked down to see a shy sticker-covered furby quietly waddle over to where you were standing.

"Pyro were you chasing Scout with stickers?" You asked. You turned furby scout around and peeled a unicorn sticker off his back.

"Ow!" Screamed the furby. Pyro furby giggled mischievously and hopped up an down awaiting his victim being put back down.

"Pyro" you said in your strictest voice. "we don't enforce stickers on others."

"Mhhhm mhm mmmm." Said Pyro, which sounded vaguely like "no cigar."

You sighed and said "look. Why don't we grab some grub and forget all about this."

"Oh h-hey. Speaking of grabbing grub. You're not uh..."

"What?" You said, putting him down and following furby pyro down the hallway, taking note of the pink sparkly stickers that mysteriously found their way onto your ankles.

"Uh...never mind. heh." Grabbing a giant bag of furby food, you poured roughly a cup in all nine bowls on the floor.

"CANONBALL"

You hardly had a chance to jump out of the way as a star spangled furby leaped into a bowl, sending food pellets flying in all directions. The other furbies began waddling in. You winced seeing the hard food pellets being crushed in their powerful beaks. Sighing, you walked over to the counter and picked up a cup of coffee, beginning to drink.

"OY" screamed the furby inside of it. You yelped and almost dropped the cup, but set it on the counter instead.

"Jesus, Sniper. What the hell do you think you're doing in there?"

"What d'you think I'm doing? I'm drinking bloody coffee, mate." You hesitantly acknowledged the coffee's reddish tint. "Medics doing. D'you mind giving me a splash of cream? a bit hot in here." You uncomfortably took a cream carton out of the fridge, and poured it into Furby Snipers coffee, watching it cling to his fur and run down his sunglasses and beak. "Ah..thanks a ton". He lowered himself deeper into the coffee cup until even the tips of his ears were concealed in the beige liquid. The only indication of furby Sniper was the slouch hat with two holes cut into it, resting on the cups ear, that you miraculously hadn't seen last time.

"Is there a chance you could at least wash the cup after you're done?" You said quietly.

"No cigar" Snipers voice bubbled in the coffee. Taking a step away from the counter, you decided to check the cupboards for at least a box of cereal. A gory site greeted you as soon as you swung the cupboard doors open.

"Ach! Do you mind! I am preforming a surgery!" You took in the sight of furby heavy resting on an operating table with a giant slit in his stomachs fabric, and all the buzzing furby parts inside of him moving around. Furby medic himself held something that looked like a furby heart.

"Where... did you get that ?" You asked.

"I have connections ok?"

"You need to stop breaking into people's houses and stealing their furbys body parts. My neighbours are starting to complain." You looked a little closer. " is that my friend's baboon furby's heart?"

"Ehh. No." Said furby medic.

"Leave doktor alone!" Said furby heavy. "Is making Heavy stronger!"

"Heavy, your heart is beautiful the way it is. You don't need have it replaced."

"No cigar!" Screamed the furby Heavy, as he and furby Medic burst into hysterical laughter. You slowly closed the cupboard doors in disgust. You weren't hungry anyway.

"Ye ever wanty just wrap yerself up in tin foil nice and cosy and then just fucking get right inty the microwave and blow yerself tae fuck up?"

" _What?_ " You whispered weakly. Your microwaves signature button beeps sounded from across the kitchen. You ran to the microwave only to see furby Demoman spinning around on the glass plate, covered in tin foil and laughing madly.

"Demo's enjoying the carousel sauna!" Furby Soldier proudly announced.

"Demo, no! You'll wreak my microwave!" You opened the microwave and took out the groaning Demolitions Furby.

"Hey lady!" Screamed furby Soldier. "You need to share the sauna!"

"You can have the tin foil." You reassured, and peeled off Furby Demo's tin foil before handing it to furby Soldier.

"Thank you private! The donation is appreciated!" He folded the tin foil into the shape of a hat, and put it on over his helmet. "Now I have double protection against the commies!"

"You sure do, soldier." Said furby Engineer, coming into the scene.

"Bad news laddie. This wifie doesn't hae a drap o' bevvy in th' hoose, 'n' noo she's hogging th' microwave." Furby demo complained.

"Hey. This is my microwave." You said, taking off your clothes and climbing inside.

"Why that's alright, demo. I believe I saw a few buds in the basement. " said furby Engineer.

"Whit? Really? Cheers mucker, cuid honestly shag ye sometimes. Yee haw." Furby demo hopped off the table and ran downstairs.

"Is there a chance you could avoid drinking all of it?!" You screamed. "It's for everyone!"

"Na cigar!" Screamed the already drunk furby. You climbed out of the microwave and unfolded yourself, deciding to make use of the time. Grabbing furby soldier, you carried him to the sink to try and scrub the honey out of his fur.

"Hey! This is un-American abuse!" Screamed the furby as the hot water poured over him, and you scrubbed the foamy soap into the dried honey.

"Hold still" You said, trying to brush out his fur with a comb. Furby soldier screamed in response. Furby Engineer hopped onto the counter, and carefully approached the panicked soldier.

"Hey now soldier." He said calmly. "There's no need to be scared. Just a little water is all."

"No reason to be scared?!" Screamed furby soldier. "The foul unpure liquids of our enemy is pouring over this unfaltering American spirit! Why even old Abe would be horrified at these conditions, when he himself sailed the Nile River at the tender age of zero, to arrive in the loving arms of the pharaohs wife!"

"I hear you soldier."

"Hear my cry, good forefathers of this great nation! Hear me oh George Washington, logger of cherry trees! Bringer of truth and American honesty!"

"Easy there soldier." Said furby Engineer, taking out his guitar and strumming a few strings, even though he had no arms or fingers because he's a furby.

" It's a known fact that Washington received his Hogwarts letter at age eleven, private! He learned the art of slaying cherry trees, and he washed his hands in the fountain of youth seven times a day! That's why they called him George Washington! Ha! Because he washed-a-ton. And only by lowering ourselves into the filthy dishwater of this lady's sink, will we be able to connect ourselves with the founding fathers! Say, did I tell you how John Dick-in-son got his name?"

" _Will you shut up_?" You said, picking up the sopping wet furby and placing him on the drying rack. "Now stay here till you dry." You jumped as the stove behind you suddenly burst into flames with a whoosh.

"Now look there, soldier. Pyro made you a nice bonfire to warm up." Commented furby Engineer.

"Nozing about zhis is bon!" Screamed a disgusted furby Spy who uncloaked out of nowhere.

"Yeah! nice going, chucklehead! Now she'll never go out with me!" Screamed furby Scout at the guilty looking furby Pyro. You grabbed a towel and desperately tried to put out the fire.

"Vat are you doing!? You're extinguishing it!" Screamed furby Medic, climbing out of his cupboard. Furby Heavy followed suit.

"Damn right I'm extinguishing it!" You screamed. "In case you didn't know, I only have one house!" But it was too late. The furby's began running in out of nowhere, and taking a seat by the flaming stove. Even furby sniper climbed out of his coffee, and took a seat by the flame. Medic immediately began roasting a sausage (you hoped it was a sausage) and scout sat back with a can of Bonk. Furby Soldier hopped over and violently shook himself off, spraying everyone else with water. Furby Spy sighed and poured some crepe batter into a frying pan, before holding it over the fire. Furby Demo climbed out of the basement and began a drunk duet with furby Engineer, except Engineer wasn't singing. You sighed and sat down with the furby's watching your own house slowly catch fire. The unmistakable disgusting smell of burning plaster and tin filled the room.

"So um..." said Scout, scooching himself closer to you. "There's something I've been meaning to uh. Ask you."

"Yes Scout?" You answered, pulling out a cigar case case and opening it. It was empty.


End file.
